36.   This one's for all golfers ...

In 1923, Who Was...

1. The President of the largest steel company?
2. The President of the largest gas company?
3. The President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. The Greatest wheat speculator?
5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the world's most successful people of their time.

Now, ages later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company,
Charles Schwab ... died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson ... went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney ... was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger ... died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement,
... shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore ... also committed suicide.

However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.

What became of him?

He played golf happily with good health until he was 92. Died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral: Work moderately and play Golf seriously.

35.   Caddy Replies ...

#-10:
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#-9:
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#-8:
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#-7:
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy : "Eventually."

#-6:
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#-5:
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#-4:
Golfer: "How do you like my game ?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#-3:
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday ?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#-2:
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

And the #-1 ... Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

34.   The Gospel According to St. Titleist ...

1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.
   - Grantland Rice
2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
   - John Updike
3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
   - Robert Lynd
4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
   - Horace G. Hutchinson
5. They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
   - Gardner Dickinson
6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.
   - Sam Snead
7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
   - William Wordsworth
8. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
   - Dean Martin
9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
   - Tommy Bolt
10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.
    - Bishop Sheen
11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
    - Arnold Palmer
12. My handicap? Woods and irons.
    - Chris Codiroli
13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
    - Pete Dye
14. I'm hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them !
    - Buddy Hackett
15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf.
    - Billy Graham
16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
    - Jack Lemmon
17. It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
    - Mark Twain
18. Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
    - Harry Vardon
19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them.
    - Jimmy DeMaret
20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
    - Ben Hogan
21. If I hit it right, it's a slice ... If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
    - All Us Hackers
22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
    - George Deukmejian
    
    And Finally ...
23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
    - Lee Trevino

33.   I'd move heaven and earth ...

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."

"Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."

32.   Finest Equipment ...

Morris had been playing golf for years, and he had the finest equipment, but his technique never improved a bit.

As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.

"Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend Sam asked.

"I've never had an old ball," Morris said.

31.   Two lawyers play golf ...

Two lawyers, Jon and Chuck, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Chuck a bet. “Let's say we bet $50.”

Chuck agrees and they're off.

After the 8th hole, Chuck is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. “Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he said to Jon.

After a few minutes, neither have any luck and a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Chuck pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I've found my ball!!!” he announces.

Jon looks at him. “After all of the years we've been partners and playing together, you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?”

“What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!”

“And you're a liar, too!” Jon said. “I’ll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!”